There's a famous Cliff Richard song, I'm sure you've heard it. It became the anthem for many a family holiday trip, and still is today, decades later. Chances are, if you've driven your significant other and your kiddies to the seaside any time during the summer, you'll have heard at least a snippet of it on the radio as you skipped through the channels. It goes something like this:

We're all going on a summer holiday,
no more working for a week or two.
Fun and laughter on our summer holiday,
no more worries for me or you,
for a week or two.

But this game isn't like that. Not for Cacophony Digital the pleasures of driving down a back road, picnic safely packed and well behaved children playing 'license plate bingo' in the back of the car. No, I think someone at Cacophony's development studio has a much grimmer recollection of those kinds of trips. And, evidently, it's quite a popular view, given that today I have the questionable pleasure of reviewing their fourth incarnation of Gran Tourism: The Real Holiday Simulator.

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday

As I load the game up, it's also evident that someone at Cacophony doesn't think much to Cliff's original song, or at least thinks it can be vastly improved on, as the theme that blares out of my television as the title screen fades in is a heavy metal remix of the original 60's classic. Not exactly my idea of a classic revived, and it doesn't really fit the image of the game in general, but it will certainly grab the attention of anyone in the same room when you start the game up!

Once you're past the intro screen, though, things settle down. The presentation is slick, menu screens looking more like they're from the latest big budget DVD release spin past as you navigate your way to the main game mode. Then the game proper begins.

Objects In The Rear View Mirror...

Gran Tourism 4, as the other Gran Tourism games have been, is a very different kind of driving game. There's no high performance track racing here, no glorious trophies and no rendered sequences of victory celebrations. This is less a game of winning, more a game of survival, maybe even survival-horror for some players out there. Those of you who have been on the aforementioned family holiday trips may have some idea of what I'm heading towards.

The backdrop to the game is this: You're off on a family holiday, and it's down to you to ensure that you manage to get the kids and your significant other to your resort destination as quickly as possible, beating all the other tourists there. Why are you so eager? Well, it just so happens that you forgot to make the hotel booking that you promised you would, and rather than confessing to your partner and facing the music, you have instead decided to drive at maniac speeds across the country to get to the hotel before anyone else does, thereby being able to get the best rooms left available and pretending that you had a booking all along. Somehow the kids and your husband or wife don't seem to think it odd that you're doing 140mph down a country lane. Well, at least not until you nearly (or actually) hit something.

Keeping The Natives Happy

Driving fast isn't your only challenge, though. That would be far too easy. You also have the other passengers in the car to worry about. As you drive, the kids will become ever more vocal about their discomfort, or needing to make a toilet stop, or that they're just plain bored. Your other half will also make complaints, especially if the kids are stressed. It's your job to make sure this doesn't happen, and this is where the survival bit of the game comes into play.

Relief for your passengers comes in various forms. You could have in car games for the kids, or pack a picnic. If the kids need to make a toilet stop, then you can find a roadside facility along the way, or if your partner becomes bored, stop off at a local service station and let them buy a magazine or a good book. This will result in their tempers being temporarily sated, so that you can concentrate on driving like a madman on fire.

Don't Forget Your Toothbrush

Taking a step backwards for a moment, now that the concept of the game has been explained, it's safe to go back to the beginning and explain the initial stages without causing too many raised eyebrows.

The game has two main modes, 'Arcade' and 'Career'. The arcade mode is a straightforward play through any of the levels already unlocked, with any of the cars you have managed to afford. The way to unlock the levels and cars is in the career mode, but that will be explained a little later. For now, lets stay in arcade mode.

The first level loads up, and the first thing that you are required to perform is the setting up of your car. Now, for those of you who aren't technically minded, and for who 'brake bias' is a factor in who gets blamed when your best crockery gets dropped, don't despair just yet. This isn't a game for the gear heads of the world that like to squeeze every last drop of horsepower out of the engine. In Gran Tourism 4, the setting up of the car means you have to pack your car for the trip ahead.

Depending on what car you have chosen to drive, you will have a limited amount of space in the back. Depending on what level you choose to drive, different amounts of luggage will be automatically stored. You can choose to fit a roof rack to certain cars to free up space, but this will lessen the performance of the car quite dramatically. With the space left over, you can choose to add various different things. For the kids, you could pack some travel games to keep them happy, or take your husband's collection of motoring magazines, your wife's trashy romance books, or just pack a picnic for the family. Any of these can be used during the trip in a power-up style, instantly reducing the stress level of the relevant passenger.

But that's not the only kind of thing that can be packed. You can also, depending on the technology level and capability of the car, you can use some of that space to install a mini-DVD player in the back, air conditioning, or a satellite navigation system to aid with finding those service stations or toilet stops. Some of the later cars will come with these pre-installed, but when starting out in the early levels, these have to be bought in manually.

Holidaymakers, Start Your Engines!

Once the car is packed up, it's time to hit the road! The camera pans through a tree-lined street and in behind the newly packed car as it rolls out of a generic suburban driveway, and then control is passed to the player. At this point, none of the other competing tourists are visible, but as you begin to make your way out of your housing estate, they feed in along the track from virtually identical adjoining roads. This helps to make everything feel a little less 'arranged' than most other street racing games. It feels more like you've suddenly been joined in competition from your normal drive, rather than being lined up and put under starter's orders, which would feel unnatural for a game like this.

The transition from housing estate to open road is generally very quick on most of the tracks, which is sometimes a shame, given how much fun it is to career down a narrow street with several cars filled with holiday-bound families streaking after you. The open road offers much more racing challenge, though, with more traffic to avoid, and one of the other game mechanics that Cacophony Digital have used to make things just a little more interesting - multiple routes.

The choice is yours, do you keep to the fast roads to make the best time, risking the threat of traffic jams and the wrath of your family members, or do you take the country roads to present a more soothing drive to your passengers, thereby reducing their stress a little, decreasing the chances of hitting a major traffic jam or being spotted by the roadside police and facing a fine and a delay while your ticket is written? The number of picnic areas, toilet stops, and places to shop will also guide your decision, and if you purchased a map or had satellite navigation or a route tracker fitted to your car at the beginning of your journey, this is where they will come in handy.

The map is the cheap option, and gives you limited notice of which routes ahead will offer which facilities, but as with all map reading, there is a percentage chance that the reader will get it wrong and you'll be given incorrect information. Satellite navigation takes more space and is more expensive, but you'll have complete accuracy and lots of time before you hit each split in the road to decide which direction is the best choice. A route tracker is a little different, as it doesn't offer advice on facilities, but will tell you the relative traffic density on the roads ahead, which is especially useful when trying to avoid big traffic jams. Laugh at your opponents who become stuck on the motorway as you cruise past on an adjoining country road!

As you journey, your overall relative position against the other holidaymakers is indicated in a small display, although given the different routes available, this can be a little subjective. Your speedometer is also displayed, along with three small sets of double bars, one for each passenger, to indicate both their stress level and their need for a toiler break. Should any of them reach zero, it's game over time, and another family holiday is ruined by poor planning. Each passenger has been pre-named, Sandy and Roddy for the parents and Christina and Petey for the kids in the back.

It would have been fun to name the characters manually, for a start I would have named my kids "Brat" and "Bratette", and my partner "Bratzilla", but it's much more humorous to hear the voice snippets of the characters arguing with each other as they drive, becoming ever more tense as the stress and toilet stop bars degrade. Calls of "Behave, Christina, dearest," and "I need to go, Mum," soon become cries of "Petey, SIT DOWN!" and "I need a wee NOW, Dad!" By the end of the journey, if the hotel is reached in time, the relief on the faces of bother the driver and player is palpable!

Holiday Happiness, or Homeward Bound?

Each journey, in general, will last about ten minutes, although there are some options in arcade mode to reduce the amount time required if you are in a hurry. But when the hotel is finally reached, the driver jumps out of the car in an automatic sequence and sprints into the hotel lobby, where the list of results flashes up on screen while the driver indicates his satisfaction, from jumping and cheering if first place was achieved, to tearing up his holiday brochure and stamping on the floor if he was the last tourist to arrive.

On the other hand, if one of the passengers runs out of either patience or bowel control while being driven, there are a variety of fun animations to watch, such as the driver parking the car, getting out, and kicking the front tyre as the children cry and the partner yells "That's IT! We're going HOME!" In fact, it is tempting to deliberately fail to finish sometimes, just to see the amusing cut scenes. Though for the first couple of plays, it probably won't be by choice that the cut scenes end up happening. This game is very challenging!

Career Break

The main section of the game is the aforementioned 'Career Mode'. As opposed to other games that purport to have this sort of mode, this literally is a 'career' mode. The game initially starts off with a driver who has a job of serving at the local fast food restaurant. He, or she, has a small salary, and an old rust-bucket of a car. This means that there isn't much room to pack extra items, such as picnics and toys, into the trip, and there isn't much money to afford them. Fortunately, however, the computer selects equally deprived families to drive against.

Initially, the destinations for this level of the game will be small bed and breakfast type hotels, in cheap, run down holiday locations. However, depending on the finishing position of the family, and the resulting stress levels of the passengers at the end, a score is calculated that determines how good a holiday the family has, and how many de-stress points are received.

These de-stress points can be spent in the year of game time that passes before the next holiday. Depending on how many are received, a small increase in salary can be bought, or a promotion or new job can be acquired. Better jobs come with much higher salaries, which allow the purchase of better, newer cars, or the upgrade of old ones. The best jobs even come with high performance company cars, allowing more money to be spent on extras for each journey. Also, the benefit of going down other career paths is the new holidays that become available, allowing drives to cruise ships, foreign hotels or, at the very top, idyllic country mansion hotels fit for a king. By that stage, cars of the very highest luxury and value will be available, with all the extra little gizmos and assistance that could be desired, but the competence of the computer controlled opponents will rise to keep the game a challenge.

Needing to acquire more de-stress points adds yet another facet to the strategy of the game. Is it worth risking being overtaken to take another picnic before the finish and reduce the stress of all the family before finishing? Will another toilet break make all the difference? These are the questions this game dares to ask that no other in gaming history ever has. And important questions they are too, as anyone who has been on a family holiday before will attest.

By progressing through the game in career mode, all the various cars and levels can be unlocked, allowing the any combination to be played. Imagine a fleet of Rolls-Royces speeding down the motorway to reach a small, cheap hotel in some backwater resort. It's more fun that it sounds, really.

Back To Work For Another Year

The career mode really gives this game a sense of structure, and pushes its longevity past that of many of its peers. I know that many of you out there are going to miss the engine tinkering and pure racing of other racing games when you play this, but if you give it a chance, you'll find that the blend of humour and racing, and the sheer surreal nature of the whole experience, you'll find yourself captivated.

Add in the two player mode, and the great graphics and presentation, and it is obvious that Cacophony Digital is on to a winning combination here. Go buy now!

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