'Twas Christmas Eve at yon North Pole, and all was hushed that night.
Till Santa Claus did have a thought and shout, "This isn't right!"
"'Tis Christmas Eve, that special night, and I soon go out working."
"But the silence seems to indicate my elves have all been shirking!"

He ran downstairs and sure enough his guess was more than true.
The elves were stood round, kicking their heels, with seemingly nothing to do.
"Such disobediance," Santa said, "I've never seen the like."
Then Dudley Moore, the elf in charge said simply "We're on strike."
"We bust our asses making toys all year for zero pay."
"Then Christmas comes, and without a word, you give them all away!"
"So we've just quit, we've had enough, we've found a better deal."
"We're going to a sweatshop in India, to make toys for happy meals."

Well Santa begged and pleaded, but the elves made up their minds.
They walked right out of yonder door and slammed it firm behind.
"This cannot be!" Poor Santa cried and bit his shaking lip,
"If Coca Cola hears of this I'll lose my sponsorship!"

Looking round his workshop he saw no toys on the empty shelves.
And said "In that case, screw you guys. I'll find some other elves!"
With no time to set his whole sleigh up he rode Rudolph bareback.
He scoured the Earth in no time flat and went to hell and back.
From north to south he rode that beast, traversed the planet's girth.
But he knew full well where he should look... so he went to Middle Earth.

But Rudolph he could take no more and from the air he fell.
His heart packed in as he landed stone dead in the middle of Rivendell.
Santa on the other hand had an amazing stroke of luck.
His fall was cushioned by the corpse of that red-nosed reindeer buck.

As Santa stood his audience did give him quite a fright.
He saw the boots and pointy ears but something wasn't right.
These elves were nearly six foot tall, these elves were lean and trim.
These elves had all got bows and arrows pointed straight at him.

Then one stood forth and said, "This old friend is no threat."
Santa shuffled and nervously replied, "I'm sorry have we met?"
"Gandalf the Grey had fallen to shadow, by which we mean he's dead."
"But now," The elf said, "He's returned to be Gandalf the Red."

Well Elrond did the introductions and asked "What of the ring?"
But Santa said, "There isn't time to talk of foolish things!"
"Time is short for the little ones, the situation's dire..."
"The little ones?" thought Elrond, "Egad, he means the Shire!"
Santa said, "We need some gifts for all the girls and boys."
"And I know as well as you that elves make all the finest toys."
"Fine toys indeed," Elrond replied, his mind on bows and arrows.
"We'll make as much as you require, we'll build 'em by the barrow."
Said Santa, "We'll need lumps of coal for all the naughty ones!"
"But we've never used such fossil fules," said perplexed Elrond.
"There's only one place of industry where wood is burned and charred.
And he called for a mighty army of elves and said "Go forth to Eisengard!"

When the deeds were done and his sack was full Santa went on his way.
On the back of an eagle who recognised him and managed to save the day.
So this Christmas when you open your gifts, do not be alarmed,
If instead of a rocking horse you receive a crossbow, fully armed.
And if you died in Helms Deep waiting for the elves to come,
Fear not, for they were at Isengard on a coal delivery run.

And as for the elves of Rivendell, helping childrens' wishes come true,
Don't be surprised when the forest guardians are coming after you.
So girls and boys in cinemas for Lord of the Rings Part Three.
You may find that the ending isn't quite what you thought it would be.
The king won't return, and the ring will be saved, and Sauron will win all the wars,
And it's all the fault of that nefarious underhanded Santa Claus.

Back to Songography