I got a phone call the other day. Not that, in itself, me getting a call is unusual. Rather, it was the person calling me that made this particular phone call special.
"It'sa me, Mario!"
Yes, that's right, that Mario - the famous Brooklyn plumber who masters in the art of wrench wielding and has an appetite to match. Now, I'll wager you didn't know I had such high level contacts within Nintendo! But, when you've been writing reviews for as long as I have, you get to know these people.
As it turns out, Mario wanted to invite me along to his own specially designed racetrack - Mario Circuit - and try out his new kart. I guess that, after so many years of dicing with danger for the amusement of the general public, and taking a spiky shell or three to the head in the process, Mario has collected a fair amount of danger money over the years, as well as royalties. As such, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that he has his own racetrack.
Now, I knew Mario had been making some upgrades since I'd last seen his mean machine, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The changes turned out to be quite extensive. All the bodywork had been completely remodelled, with a broad, red and blue face, complete with Mario 'M' logo, staring defiantly ahead down the road. Large, retro-styled black tyres lifted the chassis high off the ground, making it look nimble, if perhaps not all that quick. The biggest surprise of all, though, was the rear section, which had been flattened and strengthened, so that a second passenger could ride on the back, just like the karting equivalent of a wing-walker.
It turned out that Mario had a second reason for asking me out to his circuit. Luigi had taken the day off to take Princess Peach to the hairdresser (apparently this is an all day trip!), and Mario needed a partner to help him test his kart. Not that I was about to complain about having the honour of joining Mario for a few laps around the track! I hopped on the back of the kart, gripped on tight to the metal rail there, while Mario settled in the driver's seat and revved the engine up.
"Here we go!" Mario called as he pressed the accelerator.
I think he must have practiced those starts down to a fine art, because the acceleration on the kart was so great that I nearly tumbled straight off the back and had to hold on to that metal rail for dear life. I also could have sworn that I saw flames coming out of the exhaust pipe! When Mario had said he'd powered up his machine, he certainly wasn't exaggerating.
For his part, Mario drove like a true professional, racing line and the lot. But then, he's a seasoned veteran at this kind of thing by now. The kart deftly wove its way around the sharp and sweeping corners with ease, with the tyres showering various colours of sparks as the kart executed controlled power slides around the track. Don't ask me what they put in the tyres to make them do that, but it sure is pretty.
Every so often, I felt a kick of speed as the kart came out of a corner. It soon became obvious that, as a result of whatever had been put into the tyres to make them shower different colours, if the corner was handled just right, the tyres provided an extra kick, translating into a sharp boost of speed. I wondered for a while how much Good Year would pay to have that kind of technology delivered to them.
As anyone who has seen Mario in his various Grand Prix will know, the racing isn't always clean and fair, and indeed, Mario had made sure that a selection of armaments were strewn around the track. It was my job, in the back, to pick these up, and use them when it seemed appropriate. The various shell-like missiles and lightning bolts that could be summoned were impressively powerful. So much so, that I am sure Mario must have some sort of special padding in that cap of his, to protect him from the lightning and such, as I wouldn't dare go near one of these machines in a race without a helmet and a hefty dose of life insurance.
At one point I found a mushroom, hovering inches above the track inside a little multicoloured box, and was instructed by my Italian friend to stick it inside the engine compartment. I obliged, and once again found myself clinging onto the safety rail on the kart for dear life. It seems that these karts run on a mushroom-derived fuel source, and pure mushroom has a similar effect to that of nitro in a normal road car. While I was placing my life in the hands of the safety bar, though, Mario took it all in his stride, with only his cry of "wah-ha!" to indicate he was actually moved at all by the experience. I think years of battling Bowser and his cronies have caused him to lose all sense of fear.
Soon enough, Mario let me try my own hand at the wheel, rather than just holding on for dear life to the back of the kart. It has to be said, the kart drove just as sublimely as Mario's demonstration suggested. The steering feels firm and accurate, enabling tight manoeuvres to be pulled off with relative ease. The acceleration, while not the besting the world when not mushroom-fuelled, is more than adequate to the task at hand. However, I do admit, I didn't dare trying driving single-handed, holding a clutch of shells in the opposite hand, as Mario chose to do on more than one occasion. That kind of behaviour is for professionals and crazy people. Or maybe professional crazy people.
All in all, if you are looking for a supreme karting experience, especially for two, then you could do worse than to see if Mario has a spare kart sitting on the driveway of Princess Peach's castle, although you are unlikely to find it useful in any other practical endeavour, like going to the shops or, indeed, taking the Princess to the hairdressers.
Personally, I like it, though the colour scheme isn't quite to my taste. Come Grand Prix time, however, I'll be sat safely at home watching the action from a distance. After all, if I happened to be blown up by a red shell, who would write these reviews for you all?
